Monday, September 20, 2010

Carnage in the Kitchen

It seems that the advent of less-than-bitter-winter weather has inspired monster flies to grace us with their graceless presence.

In a foolhardy fit of passion for beamy sunshine, I opened the back door to the kitchen while I prepared dinner (to go in the slowcooker because I’m such a Betty-Crocker-type when I’m at home on school holidays). 

Unfortunately, said mutant blowflies decided that was an open invitation to come in and buzz mercilessly around the house and crawl their fetid feet all over the pile of dishes that is still sitting on the bench… and sink… and most other flat surfaces. (OK, so I'm not THAT Betty-Crocker-ish).

I don’t even know how the black swarm got through the door so quickly. By the time I figured out that the kitchen was being insect-invaded and shut the back door, there was a fly-haze to the air and the buzzing was so loud that I thought they had called in helicopter re-enforcements.

Having finished in the kitchen I thought I’d try the ignore-them-and-they’ll-go-away strategy. It’s a technique that I have attempted to employ in the classroom but so far to no avail and in this instance, the flies seem to have taken persistence lessons from my students. Eventually, one of them found their way into the lounge room where I was diligently trying to ignore them by checking what everyone was doing on facebook (not just my friends, that wouldn’t have taken very long, EVERYONE – never let it be said that I shy away from the big jobs).

Fly-buzz was so distracting that I decided it was time for action. Where was the can of flyspray? We don’t have any because it's bad for the environment. 

Well, what about a flyswat then? Nope, I never actually got around to buying one. I thought about sacrificing the dishcloth but it didn’t have the necessary flick-and-kill quality I was looking for. A quick rummage in the recycled paper unearthed an old sturdy envelope, which I felt would be a suitable understudy for a flyswat.

Makeshift flyswat in hand, I unleashed my fury around the kitchen – I actually remembered to put the lid onto the pot of dinner to avoid it filling up with fly carcasses. Even when I thought I had disposed of all of them, there would be a lull followed by another buzzing and then I had to hunt down where the next one was….. and then the next one….

Finally once the buzzing had ceased and an eerie quiet had again settle in the kitchen, I returned to the lounge room, exhausted but I felt I had been victorious. I had entered the black mass and had conquered the swarming plague. I am the champion!

What’s that buzzing?!
I’m going to buy a can of flyspray!

PS. This post is a nod to Allie at Not that I could ever be as funny, amazing and witty as Allie but her work did make me think that this one would be more entertaining with 'drawings'.


Anonymous said...

I laughed. What's with all of those flies? Why not get a bug zapper so you don't have to chase armies of insectoids around your house with a rolled up newspaper!?

Deb said...

If I can make YOU laugh, I'm happy! :) Bug zappers are overrated - the flies would have to want to die and, trust me, these ones didn't!

Anonymous said...

Are these some sorts of super flies?

I suppose the only option is to go all genocidal on them.

Deb said...

Yes, my Scottish antihip friend, they were giant Aussie blowflies - aka 'dunny budgies' but that's another post altogether! :)

Anonymous said...

I loved your drawings (and I love hyperbole-and-a-half). See you at writing class. LindaY